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Book Summary

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 19:41:12 GMT

I first read the psychologist Judith Wallerstein in college, in a sociology class on the changing American family. The book we read was Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce. While browsing through the library a while back, I happened upon the continuation of the study, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. This book is basically an in-depth look at the children of divorce 25 years after the fact. Wallerstein is the preeminent authority on this topic. No one has studied divorce for as long or as deeply as she has. Her research relies not on multiple-choice surveys but on open-ended interviews. She played with young children and examined their artwork and by the 25-year mark had attended several of their weddings.

As is usual for her, she generalizes her findings into broad categories illustrated by representative examples, such as the young girl who turns into a caregiver for her siblings and devastated parent or the young boy who lashes out in anger for years to come. All of the children in the study grew up in the same general area, and she included a control group of children from the same area whose parents did not divorce. Since a control group was included, she made some comparisons among the ultimate child-rearing outcomes in happy marriages, functional marriages, chaotic marriages, and divorce. Her outcome analysis focused on the ability of the adult children to support themselves in a vocation they enjoy and and to build healthy families of their own.

Not surprisingly, Wallerstein found that the children of happily married couples fare the best on average. Generally, they feel confident that they will find the right person to marry and that the marriage will be happy. They do not generally get caught up in or settle for unhealthy relationships. They also tend to understand and anticipate that a good marriage requires work. They come to fulfilling vocations more quickly and easily.

A functionally married couple is one that is not happy, but still manages to hold together a stable family. The parents may experience extreme regret, disillusionment, and disappointment in their marriage. They may be hurt, angry, bitter, and frustrated toward each other. These parents make a conscious choice to put these problems and feelings aside or at least keep them under wraps for the sake of the children and work together in the parenting task. These are couples that could easily divorce but do not. Dr. Wallerstein observed that the sacrifice involved pays off, and that couples in this category should think carefully about the ramifications of divorce. The children are not unaware of or even unaffected by the parents' problems, but for the most part they still come out light years ahead of the children of divorce. These children typically believe that happy marriage is possible, but not necessarily certain, in general and for themselves in particular. They have a good idea of how to choose a suitable spouse, often directly and purposefully improving on their parents' example in that regard. They understand - personally and painfully - that marriage is hard work and they anticipate doing that work.

A chaotic marriage is one in which physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, or another similar trouble plays a formative part. The children of these unions are deeply disturbed whether the parents divorce or stay together. This seemed to be the worst scenario.

There were some major differences observed between children of divorce and their counterparts reared in happy and functional marriages. Children of divorce by and large do not expect to find the right person or be happily married. They hope and wish rather than believe it will or even can happen, and they do not usually have the decision-making and relational skills necessary to bring it about. They tend to be victims more than agents in the areas of romance and family. They often do not choose partners well but rather settle for whomever they believe will have them. In a marriage they frequently have trouble gauging the difference between the minor annoyances that are present in every marriage and the deal breakers that form grounds for divorce. When their marriages are in trouble, they do not usually fight for spouses that they love the way the other two groups would but passively let them walk away. At the first sign of trouble they may even call the divorce lawyer themselves. They do not typically realize that marriage takes work rather than luck, and they only infrequently have the skills to do the work anyway. Overall, Wallerstein indicates that children of divorce take about ten years longer than the children of happy and functional marriages to grow up, both vocationally and relationally. That is, if they grow up at all. The loss of two parents working together for the good of the child is devastating and not easily overcome. Even in an amicable divorce, the parents cease to actively parent the child together, and it seems that two individuals do not have the synergy of one even unhappy couple.

Another distressing finding was the financial tendencies involved. The children tend to go down in their standard of living and are unlikely to have college paid for by parents, sometimes because the parents cannot (usually the mother) and too often because the parents will not (usually the father). The group of divorcing parents studied was largely college educated at their parents' expense. The non-custodial fathers were more likely to pay for step-children they lived with to go to college than they were to pay for biological children they did not live with. The defense given was that the divorce decree did not require it.

Wallerstein makes a convincing argument for a total about face in divorce law. She recommends that divorce settlements, especially the financial and custodial portions, focus on the long-term good of the children rather than the rights of the parents. She goes so far as to say that combined assets should be preserved for the children - to educate the (usually) custodial mothers so that the child's standard of living does not go down, to pay for living expenses for stay-at-home moms so their return to work can be delayed and the children do not feel that they are losing both parents at once, and for college education. Custodial issues included not forcing children to visit non-custodial parents and not putting young children on airplanes alone.

In analyzing the 25-year interview, Wallerstein defined some trends in the ultimate outcome for divorced children. One trend is a complete rejection of marriage and family. The adult children in this group may be successful in their work and seem to have healthy relationships with their parents, but they refuse to marry and have children of their own. Another trend is trying to avoid their parents' (lonely) fates by rushing into poor marriages that end in misery or divorce. The last trend is the most promising. This group went on to build strong families. They succeeded in family and vocation through non-parental intervention. A grandparent, a friend of the family, a coach, a faith community, or even the child himself intervened to provide what was necessary to bring the child to maturity.

Quinoa Pilaf: It's What's for Dinner

Mon, 25 May 2009 00:33:18 GMT

Ingredients:
1 cup quinoa
2 cups vegetable broth or water (beef or chicken broth would also be good, for you carnivores)
1 bunch broccoli
1 large carrot
2 tablespoons sesame seeds, toasted
2 tablespoons tahini

Directions:
1. Rinse the quinoa well. Place in saucepan with liquid and bring to boiling. Reduce to simmer and cover.
2. Cut the veggies into bite-sized pieces and add to quinoa. Cook until the quinoa has absorbed the liquid and the veggies are tender, about twenty minutes.
3. While the quinoa and veggies are cooking, toast the sesame seeds in a small, dry skillet over medium-high heat until they start to smell. Brad thinks it's been too long of they start popping, but I think they're just right then.
4. Stir toasted sesame seeds and tahini into pilaf. Smacznego!

This recipe is my own variation on the Carrot-Sesame-Quinoa Pilaf in the Vegetarian Mother's Cookbook. James loves quinoa.

Recent Happenings

Sun, 24 May 2009 21:25:43 GMT

While I was sick recently, Brad bought a package of chlorine-free disposable diapers for James since he was the primary caregiver until I recovered. Ha can change a velcro-fastening cloth diaper here and there, but we don't have too many of those and he certainly cannot cope with washing them. We had some disposables left over after I was better, so I did the church nursery a favor today and put one on him for church today. They did not notice, though, and saved the dirty disposable diaper for me as if it had been cloth. Next time I'll make sure to let them know when I put him in a disposable. Apparently those disposable diapers get more like cloth every day.

I went to the doctor last week and was pleasantly surprised to discover that I weigh 113 pounds. That's two pounds less than my college weight. When I told the family my good news, Jane said, "Oh, Mommy, you weigh so much!" Apparently it's not as impressive when your frame of reference is in the ballpark of forty pounds.

We finally have a very small garden in. Hopefully we'll get some more in later, but at least there's something now. I need to do a post on my misadventures in composting.

We're nowhere near the end of our second-grade history book, so we'll be continuing through the summer, taking probably just August off.

Suzie will be starting first grade in the fall, so she gets to graduate from her Sunday school class next week. She will be moving from her preschool class to Toon Town with the elementary school kids (and her sister). They're both thrilled to be reunited for Sunday mornings.

Brad and I have been honing our dream to live on a farm. We have actually chosen a place where we could buy a farm and he could work at Costco. This would be in the distant future, but the girls are so into it. I think they may never leave home if home is a farm. Here's hoping our mini-garden is successful ;)

The Great Alligator Adventure, Sidewalks Not Included

Mon, 11 May 2009 00:43:46 GMT

We recently needed our first car repair since moving into our new house. We only moved a few miles, but as a one-car family it is easier to live within walking distance of our mechanic, so it was time for a new one. Brad asked around and found someone a mile and a half away. Brad spoke with the mechanic and arranged for us to drop off the car. As the avid walker in the family, it was my job to drive the car to the mechanic’s shop and walk home while Brad stayed with the kids.

The only problem was that the friend who recommended the mechanic also mentioned a rumor that alligators live in the swamp that lies between our neighborhood and the mechanic’s shop. I had to take the road through the swamp to get there and back. Driving through the swamp was no problem, but walking back was a different matter. Brad was sure it was a groundless rumor and was not concerned. Just before leaving I did a quick internet search on alligators in our swamp, in Montgomery, and in general. I did not find anything about alligators in our swamp, but there were several mentions for Montgomery, and I learned several useful facts about what to do in case of attack. There is no need to run in a zigzag. That is apparently an urban legend. It is best to run straight and fast away from the water, in case you ever need to know. I was comforted by the fact that a healthy, fit adult should have no problem outrunning an alligator. I will not go into details about what to do when finding oneself in an alligator’s jaws. That information was less comforting.

Montgomery is not designed for walking as a mode of transportation. People who want to walk drive to a good place for it, get out and walk, and then drive home. It was difficult to cross the busy two-lane road outside of the repair shop to get to the appropriate side. There was no crosswalk in sight. After that I walked along the grassy shoulder a good distance from the road, but drivers were still concerned that I might suddenly jump out in front of them so they slowed down considerably and steered to the center of the road. As I approached the swamp, I began watching diligently for signs of life. The shoulder got steeper, damper, and rougher, so my attention was divided. I was balancing between keeping a safe distance between oncoming traffic and myself and between unsavory swamp life and myself. It went back and forth depending on what scared me more at the moment in question. When I came to the first bridge, there was no way across except for the car lanes. I had to wait until there was a break in traffic and make a run for it. Fortunately it was a short bridge. The second bridge was pretty much the same as the first. The bridges were an especially nerve-wracking time since so much of my attention was turned toward traffic and away from what may be lurking in the swamp, although it was always in the back of my mind creating stress.

After the bridges, I emerged from the swamp safe and sound much to my relief. In this stretch of the walk good, old-fashioned, Southern gentlemanliness kicked in. Not one but two trucks driven by middle-aged men stopped to offer me rides. The conversation went the same way both times. The driver offered me a ride, and I politely declined. The driver then assured me that he meant me no harm and just wanted to give me a ride. I politely declined again and pointed out that I enjoy walking and it was not far to go. I did enjoy the walk once I was past the threat of the alligators.

When the car was repaired, Brad asked me if I was ready to pick it up. I replied, “No, you go this time.”

Warm Winter Suppers

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 03:47:53 GMT

Eating seasonally, at least at our house, is not just about trying to eat what is in season locally. It's also about dish selection and preparation methods that go with the season. In the summer, we try to eat things that are cool, since we are hot, and that do not add heat to the house. We do not use AC excessively. In the winter we try to eat things that are warm since we are cold and that add heat to the house since we do not use the heater excessively.

One of my favorite meal plans for winter is homemade soup, with homemade bread, and a salad.

Lentil stew and split pea soup are long-established regulars. Last winter we discovered chunky vegetable soup in the Vegetarian Mother's Cookbook, after years of trying but failing to land upon a satisfying veggie soup recipe. We have just this month tried Sweet Potato Butternut Squash Soup and loved it.

For the bread to go with the soup, I alternate between a whole wheat loaf from the bread machine, corn bread, and muffins. When we lived in Poland and had easy access to real bakeries, we sometimes bought the bread to go with the soup. Of course, the bakery bread is not fresh out of the oven...

For the salad we just use what we have. Cabbage is a great fall/winter vegetable, so cole slaw (traditional or, even better, vinaigrette) is a good choice. Beet salad is also a good choice this time of year, but not so popular stateside. Tonight we just had a green salad of leaf lettuce and carrots and celery.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 21:58:09 GMT

We're buying a house, we're buying a house, we're buying a house!

If you wonder why we are doing this at the current time, it's partially because we can. Apparently people with good credit can still get credit. It's hard for me to understand why that is bad (i.e. people with not-so-good credit cannot get credit.)

Of course, we're getting our house for a bargain basement price. That's another plus. As I read in a Crown Ministries newsletter once upon a time, every once in a while Wall Street has a bargain basement sale (otherwise known as a recession). I suppose the same is true of the real estate market.

Some of the reasons to be excited about our house...

1. Large, fenced-in backyard for the enjoyment of little Tylers
2. We can compost
3. We can recycle on the curb
4. We can grow flowers
5. We can grow herbs
6. We can grow veggies
7. We can plant fruit trees (still working on Brad on this one)
8. The 1500 square feet that seems palatial compared to our current run of 2-bedroom shoebox apartments
9. There's enough room in the kitchen for the smallest Tyler to crawl around, sit in his high chair, and even play in his own cabinet in the kitchen while I work in there.
10. A laundry room
11. Closet space!!!

Dreaming of a Can-Free Thanksgiving

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 03:25:24 GMT

When I was a little girl, I thought that my grandmother could make anything. I thought this mostly because I was addicted to chocolate milk, and when I went over to her house she would make chocolate milk from scratch for me. She made it by whisking sugar and cocoa into milk while warming it on the stove. Sugar and cocoa do not dissolve in milk like Quik (now Nesquik) does. Heat must be applied. I probably was not that far off in thinking that Grandma could make anything. In her prime she was a farmer's wife -- a subsistence farmer's wife, to be exact. When a chicken was slaughtered in the morning it was on her table for supper that night. By the time I knew her, though, she was cooking from cans like the rest of America.

When I got around to learning to cook myself, Grandma was no longer around. I learned mostly from books. When I got married I gained new grandparents and was introduced to new family culinary traditions. I remember being disillusioned at recipes handed down from grandparents with ingredient lists like one can of creamed corn, one can of lima beans, one can of veg-all, and so on. This was not my idea of cooking from scratch. These days I cook very little from cans, except when I have morning sickness, but that is a different story altogether. Coconut milk and various tomato products are about it for cans in my kitchen, and I try to use those sparingly.

The one time of year when my can-free resolve is tested is Thanksgiving. How can you make green bean casserole or pumpkin pie without cans?

Our menu for today was baked chicken, whole wheat dinner rolls, mashed sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, coleslaw, and pumpkin pie. Brad and I made all of it in our own kitchen from real and mostly local food. The chicken was happy, or at least antibiotic-free and vegetarian. The dinner rolls were 100% whole wheat, unlike a lot of whole wheat products for sale in stores when the whole wheat descriptor implies that a bit of it was added for flavor rather than that the dough was actually whole wheat. I am happy to say that the sweet potatoes, green beans, cabbage, and pumpkin never saw the inside of a can. The green bean casserole was made with homemade mushroom gravy instead of a can of cream of mushroom soup. We even had real cranberries to make real cranberry sauce, but we forgot about it in the flurry of work and skipped it altogether. Our downfall was the pumpkin pie -- not the pumpkin itself, but the condensed milk. Next year we will have to look for a recipe that is based on fresh pumpkin and not just substitute fresh cooked pumpkin for the canned pumpkin usually called for. That will be more likely to forgo the canned milk, too, I think.

The local food movement has caused me to reevaluate my antipathy toward cans, or at least toward canned food. If you eat local in January, you are limited to what can be harvested in your area in January and what was preserved locally during a different part of the year. There is probably more local fresh food available in January than you think, but it's still nice to supplement with summer's bounty. Of course, summer's bounty from your area is usually going to be found in mason jars rather than cans

Haiku with the Family

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 05:27:43 GMT

The girls and I spent some time writing haiku today, and I thought I would share our efforts. Brad even chimed in with one. I think it will be apparent which is his contribution.

A cuddly, soft ball
that comes out and plays with me...
It is a hamster.

-----

Mom and Daddy's bed
Soft, warm, cozy, and comfy
I like to sleep there.

-----

It falls from the sky.
It makes the vegetables grow.
It makes hot, cold.

-----

It annoys mommy.
Mommy needs to get a grip.
PMS again.

Challenge: If you're reading this, write your own haiku in the comments to further Jane and Suzie's haiku experience If you don't remember the rules, it's three lines with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, and five again in the third.

A rant

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 04:09:15 GMT

I have just read a blog by a college friend that I love and respect slamming attachment parenting. The title was "the truth (and folly) of attachment parenting." It was difficult for me! Brad and I are mostly attachment parents. I started to leave a comment, but decided not to. ("How much attachment parenting theory have you actually read anyway..." is a bit inflammatory.) She wrote as if she were knowledgeable on the subject, but did not offer any specific sources. In all fairness, I rely on only one (Christian) source, so my version of attachment parenting may be different than the norm, and attachment parenting can easily go astray when practiced by parents with no moral basis for child rearing. Giving a child everything they want makes criminals, after all (a huge overgeneralization, I know, but you know what I mean). We focus on giving a child everything they need. My friend seemed to believe that it's impossible to tell what a baby needs in relation to a specific cry. I have found that the first time it is a bit challenging to know what a baby needs when, but third time around is much easier. I do remember that she gave up nursing her first child very early because of constant crying, and can't help but wonder if that's part or most of the reason for her opinion on attachment parenting. I briefly considered asking about that in the comments, but felt it was catty so desisted. She thinks it's more important to train a child than it is to meet their needs (since you can't figure them out anyway and if you love them it will come out right notwithstanding), but I don't see at all why the two have to be mutually exclusive. We practice attachment and training from very early. This wouldn't be so hard if I did not like her and respect her so much. ARGH!!! I am also a very black and white sort of person. (A memorable quote from Brad - who knows me best - is, "There really are no shades of grey with you, are there?") Although I know I shouldn't judge, I usually do the things that I do out of strong conviction (maybe not every little thing - some stuff is random obviously - but the stuff I read, pray and think about) and often have a hard time understanding why someone else would choose differently. Like homeschool vs. indoctrination of your children by the state or thumb-seeking vs. pacifiers (they're called "dummies" in England, you know, and there's a reason for that) or natural childbirth the way God designed vs. letting some opinionated, drug-oriented, wants-to-be-done-with-this-labor-yesterday OB drug you up... I won't go on.

Life Update

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 01:52:41 GMT

Communicating with James about elimination continues. He went in his potty seven times today. He went in his diaper seven times, but three of those shouldn't count since we were out and about and not trying to put him on the potty. It's a lot of work, but still fun and exciting. Hopefully it will pay off with a fully potty-trained walker, once he's walking. He has two teeth just poking through in the middle of his lower gum. What a cutie he is. He can roll, and is trying so hard to crawl. I have made him applesauce (cut an apple into segments, peel, boil in just a bit of water until very soft, pour soft apple segments and water into blender and blend), mashed sweet potatoes (peel and chop a small sweet potato, boil in enough water to cover until very soft, mash the potatoes with a fork adding cooking water as necessary to get the consistency you want), mashed bananas (peel banana, cut off a piece, mash with a fork, add a bit of water if desired and mix), and corn meal mush (cook 2 to 3 teaspoons corn meal in 1/4 cup water until thick). I can't say he's a huge fan of any of it, but rice cereal (perviously described), mashed sweet potatoes, and corn meal mush he handles better. Bananas and applesauce are not for him thus far.

Janie and Suzie are certified chocoholics. I told Suzie that I would buy her a candy bar if she would read ten books, and it has turned into the unofficial Tyler family reading program. Suzie insisted that we keep on and has read twenty books to earn two candy bars just this week. I obviously set the bar too low, and will be adjusting. Janie has read her ten, but isn't quite as focused on the chocolate as Suzie is.

Brad is now the foods manager at his Costco. He had a lot to learn, but seems to be getting the knack of it these days. At first, we hardly ever saw him. Now he often comes home at the time he was supposed to, which is a happy thing all the way around.

I am considering participating in National Novel Writing Month (November). How I would find the time I am not sure, but we'll see. I am praying through the Psalms, which has been extremely inspiring and comforting, especially as it related to the current financial mess our nation is in.

We just recently celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary. We went out for a very nice dinner (contemporary Thai), with kids in tow. The restaurant was ten minutes from our house and the prospective babysitter was thirty minutes the other way so we just kept them with us. They like to eat out, too, after all, and we almost never do. Our gift to ourselves was a baker's rack. I have wanted one since the first year we were married, and, voila! Now I have one. It's the nicest one Brad could find, and one day we'll have a kitchen big enough to hold it! LOL. Right now it's on the wall behind our table in the dining area of our apartment.