| | I first read the psychologist Judith Wallerstein in college, in a sociology class on the changing American family. The book we read was Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce. While browsing through the library a while back, I happened upon the continuation of the study, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. This book is basically an in-depth look at the children of divorce 25 years after the fact. Wallerstein is the preeminent authority on this topic. No one has studied divorce for as long or as deeply as she has. Her research relies not on multiple-choice surveys but on open-ended interviews. She played with young children and examined their artwork and by the 25-year mark had attended several of their weddings.
As is usual for her, she generalizes her findings into broad categories illustrated by representative examples, such as the young girl who turns into a caregiver for her siblings and devastated parent or the young boy who lashes out in anger for years to come. All of the children in the study grew up in the same general area, and she included a control group of children from the same area whose parents did not divorce. Since a control group was included, she made some comparisons among the ultimate child-rearing outcomes in happy marriages, functional marriages, chaotic marriages, and divorce. Her outcome analysis focused on the ability of the adult children to support themselves in a vocation they enjoy and and to build healthy families of their own.
Not surprisingly, Wallerstein found that the children of happily married couples fare the best on average. Generally, they feel confident that they will find the right person to marry and that the marriage will be happy. They do not generally get caught up in or settle for unhealthy relationships. They also tend to understand and anticipate that a good marriage requires work. They come to fulfilling vocations more quickly and easily.
A functionally married couple is one that is not happy, but still manages to hold together a stable family. The parents may experience extreme regret, disillusionment, and disappointment in their marriage. They may be hurt, angry, bitter, and frustrated toward each other. These parents make a conscious choice to put these problems and feelings aside or at least keep them under wraps for the sake of the children and work together in the parenting task. These are couples that could easily divorce but do not. Dr. Wallerstein observed that the sacrifice involved pays off, and that couples in this category should think carefully about the ramifications of divorce. The children are not unaware of or even unaffected by the parents' problems, but for the most part they still come out light years ahead of the children of divorce. These children typically believe that happy marriage is possible, but not necessarily certain, in general and for themselves in particular. They have a good idea of how to choose a suitable spouse, often directly and purposefully improving on their parents' example in that regard. They understand - personally and painfully - that marriage is hard work and they anticipate doing that work.
A chaotic marriage is one in which physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, or another similar trouble plays a formative part. The children of these unions are deeply disturbed whether the parents divorce or stay together. This seemed to be the worst scenario.
There were some major differences observed between children of divorce and their counterparts reared in happy and functional marriages. Children of divorce by and large do not expect to find the right person or be happily married. They hope and wish rather than believe it will or even can happen, and they do not usually have the decision-making and relational skills necessary to bring it about. They tend to be victims more than agents in the areas of romance and family. They often do not choose partners well but rather settle for whomever they believe will have them. In a marriage they frequently have trouble gauging the difference between the minor annoyances that are present in every marriage and the deal breakers that form grounds for divorce. When their marriages are in trouble, they do not usually fight for spouses that they love the way the other two groups would but passively let them walk away. At the first sign of trouble they may even call the divorce lawyer themselves. They do not typically realize that marriage takes work rather than luck, and they only infrequently have the skills to do the work anyway. Overall, Wallerstein indicates that children of divorce take about ten years longer than the children of happy and functional marriages to grow up, both vocationally and relationally. That is, if they grow up at all. The loss of two parents working together for the good of the child is devastating and not easily overcome. Even in an amicable divorce, the parents cease to actively parent the child together, and it seems that two individuals do not have the synergy of one even unhappy couple.
Another distressing finding was the financial tendencies involved. The children tend to go down in their standard of living and are unlikely to have college paid for by parents, sometimes because the parents cannot (usually the mother) and too often because the parents will not (usually the father). The group of divorcing parents studied was largely college educated at their parents' expense. The non-custodial fathers were more likely to pay for step-children they lived with to go to college than they were to pay for biological children they did not live with. The defense given was that the divorce decree did not require it.
Wallerstein makes a convincing argument for a total about face in divorce law. She recommends that divorce settlements, especially the financial and custodial portions, focus on the long-term good of the children rather than the rights of the parents. She goes so far as to say that combined assets should be preserved for the children - to educate the (usually) custodial mothers so that the child's standard of living does not go down, to pay for living expenses for stay-at-home moms so their return to work can be delayed and the children do not feel that they are losing both parents at once, and for college education. Custodial issues included not forcing children to visit non-custodial parents and not putting young children on airplanes alone.
In analyzing the 25-year interview, Wallerstein defined some trends in the ultimate outcome for divorced children. One trend is a complete rejection of marriage and family. The adult children in this group may be successful in their work and seem to have healthy relationships with their parents, but they refuse to marry and have children of their own. Another trend is trying to avoid their parents' (lonely) fates by rushing into poor marriages that end in misery or divorce. The last trend is the most promising. This group went on to build strong families. They succeeded in family and vocation through non-parental intervention. A grandparent, a friend of the family, a coach, a faith community, or even the child himself intervened to provide what was necessary to bring the child to maturity.
|
| | Posted 6/26/2009 4:41 PM - 17 Views - 0 eProps - 5 comments
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
