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lanette_tyler
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Name: Lanette
Country: United States
State: Georgia
Metro: Atlanta
Gender: Female
Interests: vegetarian and vegan cooking
parenting toward destiny
reading novels for fun
reading history, biography, and Christian works for self-improvement
learning Polish
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
9/23/2005
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| I first read the psychologist Judith Wallerstein in college, in a sociology class on the changing American family. The book we read was Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce. While browsing through the library a while back, I happened upon the continuation of the study, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study. This book is basically an in-depth look at the children of divorce 25 years after the fact. Wallerstein is the preeminent authority on this topic. No one has studied divorce for as long or as deeply as she has. Her research relies not on multiple-choice surveys but on open-ended interviews. She played with young children and examined their artwork and by the 25-year mark had attended several of their weddings.
As is usual for her, she generalizes her findings into broad categories illustrated by representative examples, such as the young girl who turns into a caregiver for her siblings and devastated parent or the young boy who lashes out in anger for years to come. All of the children in the study grew up in the same general area, and she included a control group of children from the same area whose parents did not divorce. Since a control group was included, she made some comparisons among the ultimate child-rearing outcomes in happy marriages, functional marriages, chaotic marriages, and divorce. Her outcome analysis focused on the ability of the adult children to support themselves in a vocation they enjoy and and to build healthy families of their own.
Not surprisingly, Wallerstein found that the children of happily married couples fare the best on average. Generally, they feel confident that they will find the right person to marry and that the marriage will be happy. They do not generally get caught up in or settle for unhealthy relationships. They also tend to understand and anticipate that a good marriage requires work. They come to fulfilling vocations more quickly and easily.
A functionally married couple is one that is not happy, but still manages to hold together a stable family. The parents may experience extreme regret, disillusionment, and disappointment in their marriage. They may be hurt, angry, bitter, and frustrated toward each other. These parents make a conscious choice to put these problems and feelings aside or at least keep them under wraps for the sake of the children and work together in the parenting task. These are couples that could easily divorce but do not. Dr. Wallerstein observed that the sacrifice involved pays off, and that couples in this category should think carefully about the ramifications of divorce. The children are not unaware of or even unaffected by the parents' problems, but for the most part they still come out light years ahead of the children of divorce. These children typically believe that happy marriage is possible, but not necessarily certain, in general and for themselves in particular. They have a good idea of how to choose a suitable spouse, often directly and purposefully improving on their parents' example in that regard. They understand - personally and painfully - that marriage is hard work and they anticipate doing that work.
A chaotic marriage is one in which physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, or another similar trouble plays a formative part. The children of these unions are deeply disturbed whether the parents divorce or stay together. This seemed to be the worst scenario.
There were some major differences observed between children of divorce and their counterparts reared in happy and functional marriages. Children of divorce by and large do not expect to find the right person or be happily married. They hope and wish rather than believe it will or even can happen, and they do not usually have the decision-making and relational skills necessary to bring it about. They tend to be victims more than agents in the areas of romance and family. They often do not choose partners well but rather settle for whomever they believe will have them. In a marriage they frequently have trouble gauging the difference between the minor annoyances that are present in every marriage and the deal breakers that form grounds for divorce. When their marriages are in trouble, they do not usually fight for spouses that they love the way the other two groups would but passively let them walk away. At the first sign of trouble they may even call the divorce lawyer themselves. They do not typically realize that marriage takes work rather than luck, and they only infrequently have the skills to do the work anyway. Overall, Wallerstein indicates that children of divorce take about ten years longer than the children of happy and functional marriages to grow up, both vocationally and relationally. That is, if they grow up at all. The loss of two parents working together for the good of the child is devastating and not easily overcome. Even in an amicable divorce, the parents cease to actively parent the child together, and it seems that two individuals do not have the synergy of one even unhappy couple.
Another distressing finding was the financial tendencies involved. The children tend to go down in their standard of living and are unlikely to have college paid for by parents, sometimes because the parents cannot (usually the mother) and too often because the parents will not (usually the father). The group of divorcing parents studied was largely college educated at their parents' expense. The non-custodial fathers were more likely to pay for step-children they lived with to go to college than they were to pay for biological children they did not live with. The defense given was that the divorce decree did not require it.
Wallerstein makes a convincing argument for a total about face in divorce law. She recommends that divorce settlements, especially the financial and custodial portions, focus on the long-term good of the children rather than the rights of the parents. She goes so far as to say that combined assets should be preserved for the children - to educate the (usually) custodial mothers so that the child's standard of living does not go down, to pay for living expenses for stay-at-home moms so their return to work can be delayed and the children do not feel that they are losing both parents at once, and for college education. Custodial issues included not forcing children to visit non-custodial parents and not putting young children on airplanes alone.
In analyzing the 25-year interview, Wallerstein defined some trends in the ultimate outcome for divorced children. One trend is a complete rejection of marriage and family. The adult children in this group may be successful in their work and seem to have healthy relationships with their parents, but they refuse to marry and have children of their own. Another trend is trying to avoid their parents' (lonely) fates by rushing into poor marriages that end in misery or divorce. The last trend is the most promising. This group went on to build strong families. They succeeded in family and vocation through non-parental intervention. A grandparent, a friend of the family, a coach, a faith community, or even the child himself intervened to provide what was necessary to bring the child to maturity.
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| Ingredients:
1 cup quinoa
2 cups vegetable broth or water (beef or chicken broth would also be good, for you carnivores)
1 bunch broccoli
1 large carrot
2 tablespoons sesame seeds, toasted
2 tablespoons tahini
Directions:
1. Rinse the quinoa well. Place in saucepan with liquid and bring to boiling. Reduce to simmer and cover.
2. Cut the veggies into bite-sized pieces and add to quinoa. Cook until the quinoa has absorbed the liquid and the veggies are tender, about twenty minutes.
3. While the quinoa and veggies are cooking, toast the sesame seeds in a small, dry skillet over medium-high heat until they start to smell. Brad thinks it's been too long of they start popping, but I think they're just right then.
4. Stir toasted sesame seeds and tahini into pilaf. Smacznego!
This recipe is my own variation on the Carrot-Sesame-Quinoa Pilaf in the Vegetarian Mother's Cookbook. James loves quinoa. | | |
| While I was sick recently, Brad bought a package of chlorine-free disposable diapers for James since he was the primary caregiver until I recovered. Ha can change a velcro-fastening cloth diaper here and there, but we don't have too many of those and he certainly cannot cope with washing them. We had some disposables left over after I was better, so I did the church nursery a favor today and put one on him for church today. They did not notice, though, and saved the dirty disposable diaper for me as if it had been cloth. Next time I'll make sure to let them know when I put him in a disposable. Apparently those disposable diapers get more like cloth every day.
I went to the doctor last week and was pleasantly surprised to discover that I weigh 113 pounds. That's two pounds less than my college weight. When I told the family my good news, Jane said, "Oh, Mommy, you weigh so much!" Apparently it's not as impressive when your frame of reference is in the ballpark of forty pounds.
We finally have a very small garden in. Hopefully we'll get some more in later, but at least there's something now. I need to do a post on my misadventures in composting.
We're nowhere near the end of our second-grade history book, so we'll be continuing through the summer, taking probably just August off.
Suzie will be starting first grade in the fall, so she gets to graduate from her Sunday school class next week. She will be moving from her preschool class to Toon Town with the elementary school kids (and her sister). They're both thrilled to be reunited for Sunday mornings.
Brad and I have been honing our dream to live on a farm. We have actually chosen a place where we could buy a farm and he could work at Costco. This would be in the distant future, but the girls are so into it. I think they may never leave home if home is a farm. Here's hoping our mini-garden is successful ;)
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| We recently needed our first car repair since moving into our new house. We only moved a few miles, but as a one-car family it is easier to live within walking distance of our mechanic, so it was time for a new one. Brad asked around and found someone a mile and a half away. Brad spoke with the mechanic and arranged for us to drop off the car. As the avid walker in the family, it was my job to drive the car to the mechanic’s shop and walk home while Brad stayed with the kids.
The only problem was that the friend who recommended the mechanic also mentioned a rumor that alligators live in the swamp that lies between our neighborhood and the mechanic’s shop. I had to take the road through the swamp to get there and back. Driving through the swamp was no problem, but walking back was a different matter. Brad was sure it was a groundless rumor and was not concerned. Just before leaving I did a quick internet search on alligators in our swamp, in Montgomery, and in general. I did not find anything about alligators in our swamp, but there were several mentions for Montgomery, and I learned several useful facts about what to do in case of attack. There is no need to run in a zigzag. That is apparently an urban legend. It is best to run straight and fast away from the water, in case you ever need to know. I was comforted by the fact that a healthy, fit adult should have no problem outrunning an alligator. I will not go into details about what to do when finding oneself in an alligator’s jaws. That information was less comforting.
Montgomery is not designed for walking as a mode of transportation. People who want to walk drive to a good place for it, get out and walk, and then drive home. It was difficult to cross the busy two-lane road outside of the repair shop to get to the appropriate side. There was no crosswalk in sight. After that I walked along the grassy shoulder a good distance from the road, but drivers were still concerned that I might suddenly jump out in front of them so they slowed down considerably and steered to the center of the road. As I approached the swamp, I began watching diligently for signs of life. The shoulder got steeper, damper, and rougher, so my attention was divided. I was balancing between keeping a safe distance between oncoming traffic and myself and between unsavory swamp life and myself. It went back and forth depending on what scared me more at the moment in question. When I came to the first bridge, there was no way across except for the car lanes. I had to wait until there was a break in traffic and make a run for it. Fortunately it was a short bridge. The second bridge was pretty much the same as the first. The bridges were an especially nerve-wracking time since so much of my attention was turned toward traffic and away from what may be lurking in the swamp, although it was always in the back of my mind creating stress.
After the bridges, I emerged from the swamp safe and sound much to my relief. In this stretch of the walk good, old-fashioned, Southern gentlemanliness kicked in. Not one but two trucks driven by middle-aged men stopped to offer me rides. The conversation went the same way both times. The driver offered me a ride, and I politely declined. The driver then assured me that he meant me no harm and just wanted to give me a ride. I politely declined again and pointed out that I enjoy walking and it was not far to go. I did enjoy the walk once I was past the threat of the alligators.
When the car was repaired, Brad asked me if I was ready to pick it up. I replied, “No, you go this time.” | | |
| Eating seasonally, at least at our house, is not just about trying to eat what is in season locally. It's also about dish selection and preparation methods that go with the season. In the summer, we try to eat things that are cool, since we are hot, and that do not add heat to the house. We do not use AC excessively. In the winter we try to eat things that are warm since we are cold and that add heat to the house since we do not use the heater excessively.
One of my favorite meal plans for winter is homemade soup, with homemade bread, and a salad.
Lentil stew and split pea soup are long-established regulars. Last winter we discovered chunky vegetable soup in the Vegetarian Mother's Cookbook, after years of trying but failing to land upon a satisfying veggie soup recipe. We have just this month tried Sweet Potato Butternut Squash Soup and loved it.
For the bread to go with the soup, I alternate between a whole wheat loaf from the bread machine, corn bread, and muffins. When we lived in Poland and had easy access to real bakeries, we sometimes bought the bread to go with the soup. Of course, the bakery bread is not fresh out of the oven...
For the salad we just use what we have. Cabbage is a great fall/winter vegetable, so cole slaw (traditional or, even better, vinaigrette) is a good choice. Beet salad is also a good choice this time of year, but not so popular stateside. Tonight we just had a green salad of leaf lettuce and carrots and celery. | | |
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